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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23989168">Coma? I hardly know her!</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/krabbypetty/pseuds/krabbypetty'>krabbypetty</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Coma, Eddie Kaspbrak Lives, Everyone Is Alive, Fix-It, Georgie Denbrough Lives, Hospital, M/M, Recovery, Stanley Uris Lives, Swearing, apart from Bowers gang, benverly if you squint - Freeform, descriptions of comas and delirium, duh - Freeform, fuck them hoes, hanbrough if you squint, implied sex at the end, kings - Freeform, repressed gay adults, we STAN, we stan uris</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 20:33:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,718</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23989168</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/krabbypetty/pseuds/krabbypetty</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Okay the title makes it look like this is gonna be a funny fic but its pretty depressing and serious through the majority.</p><p>The Losers take Eddie to hospital after he's been shishkebabed in the old Neibolt house but is everything how it seems?<br/>Read along as Eddie deals with a medically-induced coma, the side effects following that and repressed gay feelings he lived with his entire life.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>61</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Coma? I hardly know her!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Shout out to my dad who wanted me to write about my experience in a coma. Bet he didn’t think I’d use it for gay fanfiction. </p><p>Enjoy.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Everything was black.</p><p>Eddie didn’t remember much of what happened before everything went dark, but he does know that Pennywise speared him.</p><p>One minute he had been on top of Richie, so relieved that his friend was out of danger and this nightmare was finally over, then the minute, he felt indescribable pain shoot through his whole body, starting with his chest.</p><p>Everything went a little fuzzy after that, but he thinks he remembers being held in Richie’s big arms.</p><p>Then again, that could’ve been his last hopeful thought before he finally gave in to blood loss.</p><p>It was a nice feeling though, he reminded himself, to think that even for one moment he was in Richie’s arms, being held and cradled by someone he… cared a great deal for. It wasn’t NORMAL the way he really wanted to be held by Richie, be cared for by him. Not that the whole gay thing wasn’t normal – times have definitely changed since he was a kid, it was 2016 for crying out loud, gay people were a dime a dozen – but it just wasn’t normal for <em>him</em>.</p><p>He’d grown up in the middle of the AIDS epidemic, living with a woman that was constantly reminding him to stay away from dirty boys. It was a fucking miracle that Eddie didn’t end up being one of those assholes that hated people just because of who they are.</p><p>That being said, Eddie still came with his complex’s.</p><p>He married a clone of his mother just because he was so scared of being who he really was so subconsciously, he just replaced one overbearing caretaker with another.</p><p>That’s why it felt so nice when Richie told him he was brave, because he was far from it but it was something he desperately craved. What would it be like to be brave?</p><p>These ponderings continued inside his head for what seemed like hours on end with no real conclusion to any of them.</p><p>They were only stopped when black turned into white.</p><p>His eyes opened like slits and all he could see was white walls, white floor, white ceiling, and it felt too bright so he had to close his eyes again but he could hear things.</p><p>People yelling, machines beeping, footsteps marching around.</p><p>“Don’t you fucking dare try and put him back to sleep again!”</p><p>Yelling. So much yelling.</p><p>The voice sounded feminine and familiar.</p><p>“Mrs Rogan,” This voice was unfamiliar. It was male and kind of nasally. He didn’t hear much of it since the woman interrupted him.</p><p>“It’s Marsh.”</p><p>“Ms Marsh, Edward’s oxygen levels still aren’t where they should be, the machine’s breathing for him right now. We need to put him back in the coma until his lungs can do it on their own.”</p><p>Coma. That word felt real but for some reason, Eddie didn’t associate it with himself. He couldn’t even focus on his thoughts like he could before because more voices were talking and they sounded loud, so loud, to him but he couldn’t even move his head to try and push his ear into the pillow under his head to try and block out some of the volume. Everything felt too heavy. He tried to zone out again but voices, voices, voices.</p><p>“Isn’t there a way to just keep him awake and breathing with the machines?” This one sounded masculine yet soft spoken. He felt comforted by this voice.</p><p>Eddie opened his eyes into slits again and tried to see what was going on. He had no idea where he was or who was behind those voices and he just wanted to go back into the black again. He felt so tired even though it felt like he’d just been sleeping.</p><p>“H-hey, <em>hey!</em>”</p><p>The suddenness of the new voice startled him and it sounded like it was being projected his way. Eddie was suddenly struck by extreme panic by it all and closed his eyes again, hoping he would be left the fuck alone.</p><p>“H-he opened his eyes! That’s good right?” The new voice let out a broken laugh, something that was so heart breaking to hear. It sounded like he wanted so badly for this to be a positive moment but things were still too tense to see any true light in the moment.</p><p>“He might be responsive while he’s out but we really need to sedate him again sooner rather later.”</p><p>“Please,” The feminine voice pleaded. “<em>Please</em> can you give us five minutes? Everyone just wants to see him.”</p><p>There was a long pause - Eddie almost drifted to sleep on his own – but then the silence was broken by a sigh.</p><p>“All six of you still aren’t allowed in the same room, if he sees that many people if he does open his eyes then he’ll be scared, so three of you can stay for <em>two</em> minutes.”</p><p>He heard steps walking away.</p><p>There were no more voices then suddenly there were a lot.</p><p>They all sounded like they were right next to him but somehow they seemed quieter than when they were all far away and so loud.</p><p>“Eddie,” A new male voice spoke up. Once again, it was so familiar, he thinks he remembers the same voice freaking him out many a time about poison ivy, but he was too tired to really focus on it. “Can you open your eyes for us?”</p><p>“Bill said he only done it for a second before so maybe it was just a flicker.” The kind voice from before spoke up in his defence, still ever so gentle. “He can probably still hear us though so… maybe if there’s anything that needs to be said, it should be said now.”</p><p>There was another long silence, this one felt like it would never end.</p><p>“Richie?” The same voice asked. “You haven’t even said anything. He might not know you’re here.”</p><p>Why was he asking about Richie? Somewhere in his brain he knew that Richie was safe, Richie was comfort, Richie always knew what to do. If Richie was here then maybe things weren’t as scary as he thought. Maybe he could get him out of this place or just sit here and hold his-</p><p>There was a new weight on his hand. It felt firm and warm. He tried to move his thumb to hold the weight there for as long as possible but the heaviness took over. Even that small amount of effort made him so desperate to go to sleep again. His eyes were still closed but they felt like they were being pried open and dried out.</p><p>He wanted to let out some sort of noise that signalled for all of these people to go away but nothing came.</p><p>He would have started freaking out right about now if the weight on his hand started stroking its thumb over his knuckles. It was such an innocent touch of comfort that he couldn’t help but be calmed by it.</p><p>“Eds?” A new voice croaked from what seemed like right next to his head.</p><p>Richie?</p><p>“I’m here, buddy.”</p><p>He opened his eyes.</p><p>He could only get them open until his eyes were half-lidded but he could still see. There was still a lot of brightness but it wasn’t as much of a shock to his eyes as the first time opening them was.</p><p>He could see Richie sitting right next to him, Ben hovering over Richie’s shoulders and Stan on the other side of his hospital bed.</p><p>Wait a minute.</p><p>Eddie’s eyes darted to Stan in amazement. He felt like his eyes were opened as wide as saucers with absolute shock but, in reality, he was only staring at his friend with a hollowed-out gaze.</p><p>None of this made sense.</p><p>Stan was here, he was in a hospital bed, Richie looked like he was going to cry, he still couldn’t move any part of his body or his head or his face. It felt like everything was paralysed and all he could move was his eyes.</p><p>‘<em>YOU ASSHOLES BETTER TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO ME OR I SWEAR TO FUCKING LUCIFER THAT I WILL BE ON YOUR ASSES LIKE WHITE ON RICE, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU JUST STARING AT ME, GET ME THE FUCK OFF OF THIS BED BEFORE I-</em>‘</p><p>Usually when a person speaks, it comes from their thoughts. People are so trained to say what they are thinking that it becomes natural after a certain point to say things as they are thinking them. Especially people like Eddie who was a whole 5’9 ball of rage and indignation, he just yelled out whatever insult popped into his head when he was mad.</p><p>That being said, it was a weird sensation to feel as if you are saying the words you are thinking, without any noise actually coming out of your mouth. His lips wouldn’t even move to mouth out the words, they just stayed sealed shut without so much as a twitch.</p><p>“Eddie,” Ben spoke up again softly, speaking to him as if he were a frightened animal. Which, hey, he was half right. “Everything’s okay, bud, there’s no need to panic. You’ve been in and out of a few surgeries for your chest and the hospital had to put you into a medically-induced coma so they could help you breathe.” He spoke slowly and carefully, making sure Eddie got every word.</p><p>The words themselves sounded scary - who wouldn’t freak out when they heard ‘coma’ - but Ben also sounded so sure that nothing bad was happening.</p><p>Instead of even attempting to nod and using the last smidgen of energy he had left, he turned his gaze who was just staring at him. Their eyes met and Richie shot him a small, unsure smile that he’d never seen on him before.</p><p>He decided that this was as good a cause as any to try and use that bit of energy so he mustered all of his willpower and tried to quirk his lips into a smile but it was then he noticed the weight that was in his mouth. It felt like his mouth was being stretched around a plastic pipe and there was a lot of air shooting into it, the same thing happening with tubes up his nose. It was like he had stuck his head out of a fast car on a windy day.</p><p>The new discovery scared him so much that even the comfort of his friends surrounding him didn’t put him at ease. His heart started to race and he could hear the resulting beep beep beep in the background because of it.</p><p>The warm weight from his head disappeared as Richie flew to his feet, frantically gesturing to the door.</p><p>“Fuck.” He cursed.  “He’s freaking out. Get the doctor, I don’t want him to have to lay there scared.”</p><p>No sooner than he said, Ben was out the door with Stan hot on his tail.</p><p>Eddie’s panicked gaze stayed on Richie as he bent down to tower over him and took his hand again, lifting it this time and pressed it close to his broad chest. His grip was much tighter this time, it was as if he thought nothing bad would happen to him if he just held tight enough.</p><p>“It’s gonna be okay, Eds. We’re all taking shifts with you so you’re never alone and we’re making sure you get changed and washed all the time so you’ll stay as squeaky clean as a sex offender’s old laptop.”</p><p>Richie clearly had a problem with the saying things as soon as you think them thing. The lack of filter was how he earned his nickname.</p><p>“Shit,” He cursed under his breath, briefly casting his gaze down to the floor before meeting Eddie’s eyes with an apologetic smile. “Probably not the best time to be making jokes. Even the machine’s beeping me.”</p><p>Eddie really wanted to laugh. Instead, he closed his eyes.</p><p>He felt his arm being placed carefully back next to him and a shuffle of more footsteps coming into his room.</p><p>He can’t remember much after that, it all went black again.</p><p>He was once again alone with his thoughts.</p><p>Why didn’t he tell Richie he loved him when he had the chance? He was about to in that fucking sewer after Richie told him he was braver than he thought. It was such a tender moment and Richie’s hand just barely grazed his and he had opened his mouth to say the words:</p><p>“<em>Richie I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember and seeing you in person just brought back all of those feelings and I’ve realised, despite trying to kill a fucking demonic space clown, I’ve been happier with you in the past few days than I have been in the past twenty-seven years also what the fuck, why are you so fucking handsome now that’s not fair Richie YOUR SHOULDERS-</em>“</p><p>But he didn’t say any of that. He pussied out and gave him a low, “Thanks, Rich.”</p><p>And now he’s living in this hell because he didn’t make the right choices. He’d wasted his life and God was punishing him for it, forcing him into surviving without letting his exist. It was then, who knew what the fuck day or time or month it was by now, he made a promise to himself and to God that if he got out of this okay, he would tell Richie how he really felt.</p>
<hr/><p>It was bright again but Eddie didn’t have a moment to process that because all he felt was his throat involuntarily gagging. He could see a man dressed in white, which he assumed was God, standing over him and pulling a tube of out of his mouth. He left the small ones up his nostrils so he still felt the sensation of having his head stuck out a car window but at least he didn’t have anything lodged in his throat anymore.</p><p>He still felt tired but nowhere near as bad as last time. He managed to keep his eyes open for a whole five minutes, eyes darting from Bill to Bev to Mikey until he fell asleep again.</p><p>He felt like every time he closed his eyes and opened them again, it was a new day, but he knew it couldn’t be because the same guys would still be sitting there, still be wearing the same thing as before he shut his eyes, and it made him feel like the days lasted forever and time had no meaning in this place.</p><p>For a while he actually believed he was either dead or still in the coma.</p><p>Eddie had been too exhausted to even try to speak for a really long time even after God – or maybe it was a doctor, he wasn’t sure – pulled the plastic tube out his throat so he just lay there awake while the losers all spoke to each other and sometimes referenced to him as if he was still there like “You always were the bravest guy I knew, buddy,” but hearing stuff like that, even though he knew it was directed to him physically lying there, it felt like Ben had been talking about him like he died.</p><p>So maybe he did die.</p><p>Maybe he was dead right now and he was floating above his body so he could still hear and see everything that was happening around him.</p><p>His eyes darted from Bill to Ben to Richie all sitting with him and he tried to find peace in knowing he was surrounded by so many people he loved. However he still had fear prickling up the back of his neck because the rest weren’t there. Why weren’t they there?</p><p>They were probably planning his funeral, he thought to himself.</p><p>He wondered if this was what it was like to be dead, just following your body around without being able to do anything with it and forced to watch the people you love fall into misery because of you.</p><p>Things continued on like that for the next few days.</p><p>He would wake up to see his friends all sitting around his hospital bed talking amongst themselves before turning their attention to him when he opened his eyes. It would scare him at first because he’d never been one who liked attention on him – any attention was usually bad attention; mother constantly scanning him from head to toe to see if there was any reason to go to the ER, Bowers and his goons picking on him for being too small or too wheezy, teachers calling on him during class when he clearly never raised his fucking hand, I mean what’s the point of telling your students to raise their hand if they know the answer just to pick the person - <em>WHO WAS STARING AT HIS FUCKING DESK I MEAN WHAT THE HELL MRS. KURTIS!</em> – but when he remembered that he was actually dead or either still in the coma which was why he couldn’t move or talk right now, he relaxed. No one would bother a corpse or a vegetable.</p><p>One day he’d overheard the doctor explaining to someone in his room that he’d had a lot of ‘false sleep’ because of the coma which meant his body was not properly rested which felt bizarre to Eddie since he felt like all he did lately was sleep. He actually couldn’t remember a time where he wasn’t sleeping or stuck in this bed. Then again, the nurses did have to bring him a sleeping pill every night to even close his eyes. He told himself that it must be scary for them to watch a corpse in bed with big bulging eyes staring at them all the time – because that’s all he did when the losers weren’t here, there was nothing else he could do.</p><p>The Losers weren’t allowed to stay overnight, as much as they tried, so he only got to see them during day which was terrifying for him because every time they had to leave, he would instantly feel a tightening pain in his chest that only grew the longer he went without seeing them, the more he was convinced they had all tragically died – especially considering he was <em>sure</em> that Stan had killed himself yet he was by his side every night during the night visits (since all six of them weren’t allowed at the same time. Eddie might not have a reliable memory right now but he sure as fuck remember how shitty Derry and everything in it was) just reading to him from the paper to try and put him to sleep.</p><p>Nonetheless, visiting times were precious to him even though he just lay there and it made his chest tighten when anything interrupted one since it surely couldn’t be because of good news.</p><p>Richie was sat on a chair next to Eddie’s bed, absentmindedly tracing circles over Eddie’s hand as he spoke to Ben on the other side of the bed while Bev was occasionally piping in from the window ledge she was sitting on. It was a pretty peaceful visit unlike the usual where Eddie got scared and freaked out and no one could calm him down and the nurses would rush in and end it so he had to wait until the next one to see anyone again.</p><p>That’s why it sucked so much when the doctor walked in with a clipboard and a chart. That never meant good news.</p><p>Eddie’s eyes widened at the sight of him and he immediately started sinking lower under the wool blankets almost like he was trying to look as unseen as possible.</p><p>“Mr. Kaspbrak, I’m Doctor Jones, I wanted to make sure you were a little more Compos Mentis when I spoke to you.” The man introduced himself kindly. It was then that Eddie recognised his voice from before, he was sure he’d heard it – maybe arguing with Bev? He couldn’t pinpoint it</p><p>Eddie decided he wasn’t fond of him when he gestured for Richie to move from his seat so he could sit next to him but Eddie nothing more than quirk his lips into a frown when his giant stress ball wasn’t by his side. However, he was facing him like he was going to talk to him so maybe that meant Eddie was really awake now and he could talk back. Maybe nothing bad would happen if he just spoke – but he was too afraid to try and speak again if nothing came out like the first time he tried.</p><p>“Is there any questions you have for me right now?” The doctor asked.</p><p>From the corner of his vision, Eddie could see the losers in the room leaning their heads forward to see if he would say anything. His chest staring to tighten again and he could hear the beeping from the machines next to him that his heart was speeding up but that was just from the sudden pressure in the situation. Eddie felt like he had to speak now or he never would.</p><p>“Am I dead?” He croaked out, pleading with his eyes to the older man to give him good news.</p><p>Bev immediately burst into tears and Eddie felt like such a piece of shit for making her cry.</p><p>“No, no, you’re not dead.”</p><p>Eddie let out a breath he didn’t even realise he was holding.</p><p>“Edward, do you know what day it is?” Doctor Jones asked gently.</p><p>“Of course I know what day it is!” Eddie snapped but he soon lost his fire when he tried to actually remember the day of the week. That carnival had opened on Saturday and that’s when they killed the clown so today must be, “September 3<sup>rd</sup>? Sunday?” He asked with more than a little uncertainty in his voice. He looked at the others for confirmation but they looked more worried than ever.</p><p>The doctor smiled at him so surely he couldn’t have been wrong.</p><p>“It’s the 10<sup>th</sup>, Edward. You’ve been here for a week.” He told him just as gently but didn’t give the news any chance to fully sink in before he was speaking again. “A side effect of your coma was delirium- now, its nothing to worry about, it happens to everyone who’s been medically sedated for as long as you were. All you need to know is that it’s perfectly normal for you to be scared a lot of the time or see things that aren’t really there and get a lot of things mixed up. Your brain is still trying to function normally but what this does is confuses and disorientates you even to the point where you might forget your right and left sides. This might last from a couple of weeks or a few months but it does fade.”</p><p>Eddie could do nothing but nod along, staring blankly ahead of him as he tried to take in the information being presented to him.</p><p>Delirium. Hmm.</p><p>So he was basically inside one giant, bad, acid trip that he couldn’t get out of. His subconscious was the one that was betraying him right now and twisting everything in his memories so he kept getting lost with every other train of thought.</p><p>He glanced over at the other three adults in the room, who were all staring at him with so much sadness and concern by now that it made HIM want to start crying.</p><p>“We just have to do a little test now, and then I’ll leave you with your family for the rest of the visit, okay?” Doctor Jones asked.</p><p>Eddie wanted to refuse but he also wanted the guy who kept giving him bad news to go away sooner rather than later so he nodded.</p><p>“Okay, who’s the President of the United States?”</p><p>“That piece of shit Trump.”</p><p>“Correct-“ Eddie had been hoping that had been part of the delirium and someone would tell him that Barack was still in office. “Next question, how many sides does a square have?”</p><p>Despite the questions themselves being condescending, the doctor was asking them in a very serious and respectful way which made Eddie feel a little less belittled or spoken down to right now.</p><p>“Four.” He answered quietly, less confident with this than the last question.</p><p>“Good. Now, what’s heavier, one pot or two pots?”</p><p>“One pot?” Eddie answered uncertainly and felt a rush of fear go through him when he seen the doctor writing something down. “I-I meant, two pots. Of course.” He said, chalking his wrong answer up to being to eager to answer without actually listening to the question. It was such an easy thing to answer, goddamn it, Eddie!</p><p>Before he could inwardly beat himself up anymore, the doctor took his hand and asked to do anything test. He told him to squeeze everything time he say the letter ‘a’ then proceeded to say a lot of random letters before popping in the occasional ‘a’ to which Eddie would squeeze. The older man did this with his other hand too before he seemed satisfied and kindly excused himself to enjoy the rest of his visit.</p><p>The room was tense once they were all alone.</p><p>Richie made the first move and went to sit back down next to Eddie. Everybody seemed to be hanging on his reaction to see where they go from here now that they were all aware of the severity of Eddie’s current mental state.</p><p>“Guess I need to stop coming to see you dressed in black.” Richie quipped as he took Eddie’s hand in his and started tracing it with his fingers again.</p><p>Eddie quirked a small smile which was more than they’ve seen since this hospital nightmare began.</p><p>And with that, the tension seemed to fade. Bev and Ben sat closer to Eddie’s bed now he was speaking, albeit very softly which ‘made it hard for their old people ears to hear him’ as Richie pointed out, and it ended up being the best visit thus far.</p><p>By the time night came and the rest of the losers could come see him, Eddie had been settled. Now that he was aware of why he was so confused and lost all the time, it made it easier to calm himself down in the times of panic. Besides, now that he knew he wasn’t dead, he could actually let himself enjoy the nice moments with his friends because he knew they weren’t limited anymore.</p><p>After the next few days, Eddie was pretty used to his routine.</p><p>He was getting off his sleeping pills so he could train his body to sleep more naturally and he’d get more than just a few hours in the early mornings, he was with a physical therapist every day after breakfast, lunch and dinner learning how to use his legs again – apparently if the muscles aren’t being used for so long, they stop working so all those years Eddie spent building up his leg muscles? Gone. He was back to square one again, learning to walk with a zimmer-like contraption called a 'mobile walker' like he was a fucking pensioner or a toddler again – he was learning how to go to the bathroom again because a coma after surgery is just the gift that keeps on giving. After you get through one, it just keeps throwing happy little surprises at you, such as shutting down your fucking organs so you forget how to control your bladder and bowel so you piss and shit anywhere without so much as a warning.</p><p>The bottom line, everything about recovery was fucking humiliating but it made him feel good when he got a little better each day.</p><p>His favourite hospital memory was the time when Richie – he was the only one who had consistently been to see him every single visit - and Stan were seeing him and helping him with his physical therapy.</p><p>The hospital was really shitty with their staff. Most of the people who worked there were all very kind and helpful, Eddie actually believed a few nurses to be genuine angels which was a rare nice thought the delirium gave him, but there wasn’t enough of them. Whoever was in charge of hiring really need to do a headcount because Eddie’s physical therapist was only at work twice a week so the rest of the time, it was the nurses’ job to help him with his legs again but he hated being a bother and asking them because he could see how busy they were. Because of this, Eddie had taken to asking his friends to help him. He already had the metal mobile walker so it was just a case of having someone there to help him up if he fell or helped him to the bed if he was too tired.</p><p>Which lead to Richie and Stan beaming proudly at him from the end of the ward hallway as he slowly but surely made his way over to them. It wasn’t a very far walk. Realistically, it was likely less than twenty steps from there and back to the bed altogether, but Eddie felt like he was climbing a mountain.</p><p>He could feel the giggle bursting out of him when he heard Richie singing the start of the Rocky Theme song from the first movie when he was training.</p><p>His concentration was broken and he looked up from his feet to give Richie a wide smile only to see the taller man already looking at him with such awe. Like he couldn’t believe he was seeing Eddie actually walking right now.</p><p>It made Eddie’s chest feel warm inside and surprisingly, the feelings didn’t make him feel scared. They had always been there, brewing deep inside him in a secret place he kept locked away. He had almost told Richie about the way he made Eddie feel – the way he’d always made him feel, so special, so perfect, his Eds - when he thought he was going to die under the cavern. However, despite what Richie had said, he was not a brave person and he ended up making a dumb joke instead but the last thing he wanted to see was Richie’s smile.</p><p>He’d always loved his smile – bucked-toothed and all.</p><p>Ever since that day, Eddie went from strength to strength: He managed to get better control of all his muscles again so he could actually hold in a piss till he reached the toilet bowl, he was starting to go to bed at a normal time again and stay sleeping through the night instead of having to have a nurse in beside him while they did their paperwork just so someone was with him, he was talking almost as much as he used to so his voice was starting to get as strong as before.</p><p>The delirium, however, had persisted.</p><p>He knew it would eventually go away but he didn’t know how far away that was.</p><p>Eddie was being released from hospital soon and he knew the second he was out of here, everybody would just go back to their own lives and he was terrified of that.</p><p>He didn’t want to be alone.</p><p>These fears kept running around in his mind until he just had to confront them.</p><p>“When are you leaving?” Eddie asked suddenly, cutting off the conversation that was flowing freely in the air. All seven of them were sitting together in the hospital cafe, allowed to be together so long as it wasn’t in the tiny wards, and it just felt too good to be true. This either felt like something his brain was making up and it wasn’t actually happening in reality or it felt like they were all doing this because they were about to split up again anyway.</p><p>“W-what?” Bill finally asked after a pregnant pause.</p><p>“Sweetie why do you think we’re leaving?” Bev asked gently, reaching out run her hand over Eddie’s back and shoulders to try and take the tension away from him.</p><p>“You all have lives to get back to.” Eddie reminded, biting his lip afterwards so it didn’t wobble. He hadn’t quite managed to put the cap back on his emotions again since waking up so they all had seen him crying a fair amount already so he didn’t want to add another memory to the list.</p><p>“We’re here for as long as you need us, Eddie.” Mike assured him with his usual kind smile. The rest murmured their agreement, all reaching out to touch or rub at him in some comforting gesture or another.</p><p>“What about Bill’s movie?”</p><p>“M-movie?” Bill asked gently as if he knew Eddie wasn’t going to made sense no matter what he said but he wanted to hear what was going through his usually-temperamental friend’s mind.</p><p>“Yeah! The one you left your wife on set filming to come meet us?” Eddie asked with a quirked eyebrow as if Bill was being the clueless one.</p><p>“Audra?” Bill asked just to confirm.</p><p>“Duh.”</p><p>“E-Eddie…” Bill started gently. He shifted uncomfortably in his chair before reaching out and taking his hand from across the table and squeezing it reassuringly.</p><p>It had been a source of comfort for Eddie when they were kids, the smaller boy would get scared during – what they believed to be at the time – asthma attacks and clutch to Bill like he was his lifeline. His first friend, his best friend and his leader.</p><p>The familiar touch soothed Eddie’s budding anxieties and prepared himself to listen to whatever revelation Bill was building up to.</p><p>“Audra’s at o-our ho-hom-HOUSE i-in England, there’s no muh-m-movie, buddy.”</p><p>Eddie’s brows instantly furrowed and he snatched his hand away from Bill almost defensively. In his mind, he thought his friend was trying to fuck with him right now which was really messed up since he clearly wasn’t in the right state of him to be playing this kind of joke on and he was on a shitload of painkillers so he was kind of spacey anyway and <em>how fucking dare</em>-!</p><p>“It’s okay to get stuff mixed up, Eds, you’ve been through a lot.” Richie interrupted his inner ramblings and managed to bring him out his panic before it could really start. “If you need us to go through a timeline for you again, we can.” He offered with a small, strained smile as if it was killing him seeing Eddie get so confused.</p><p>“Again?” He asked with a croak in your voice.</p><p>“We’ve told you the story about how you wound up in a coma four times now.” Ben broke the news softly. “The coma messed with your brain so your memory is still a little rusty so we keep telling you the same story hoping one day it’ll stick.”</p><p>Eddie felt as if he had just been punched in the gut and all the air had left his lungs. His chest was tightening under the muscle to the point where breathing was becoming painful. He knew the signs of his anxiety attacks and how to stop one in its tracks by now but this didn’t feel like that. It felt much, much worse.</p><p>Sheer panic.</p><p>How long had he been in this hospital now? It felt like only days but it could be weeks, months, <strong><em>years</em></strong>! He had to get out, he couldn’t be trapped in here. This place was the one making him crazy and forget important things like the fact that maybe one of your friends didn’t kill himself since he was alive and well, sitting next to him, or the fact that your other place happens to live in a whole other fucking continent than you originally thought.</p><p>Before he could think of making a run for it, Richie must have seen the look in his eyes before he stood him from his chair and moved the table directly in front of Eddie so he had a way to get out.</p><p>“Alright I think that brings this daily Losers’ meeting to a close!” He announced cheerfully despite the fact you couldn’t cut the tension in the room with a knife. Too many sad, concerned gazes were focused on Eddie for anyone to appreciate the humour in the situation right now. “I’m gonna get this wild stallion back to bed and you bunch of Abercrombie and Fitch models can get back to your 9 to 5 making normal people feel shitty about ourselves.”</p><p>With that, Richie grabbed Eddie’s mobile walking frame and helped him to his feet until he was holding the sides steadily. His walking had gotten so much better since his very first attempt where he could only make it around his own bed in the ward before collapsing back on it in an exhausted heap. The walking frame was really just for balance and confidence at this point which made Eddie feel safer when he was on his feet so Richie made sure to carry it everywhere they went in the hospital.</p><p>The group dispersed and true to Richie’s word, he made sure to take Eddie all the way to his bed again and fussed over him like a doting wife.</p><p>Didn’t he already having a doing wife?</p><p>Why wasn’t she here?</p><p>Was Myra even real or was it his delirium-affected brain conjuring a fake memory and using a real one to try and replicate it. After all, Myra and his own mother shared a lot of the same qualities. They were overbearing, they used emotion as a weapon, they were manipulative…</p><p>These thoughts swarmed through Eddie’s head all the while Richie was quietly tucking him into the thin blankets on the bed, fluffing the pillow behind his head and attaching the little rubber thing on his finger again so he could keep an eye on Eddie’s numbers.</p><p>Eddie couldn’t help but forget his fears and study Richie. He’d never seen him so serious and focused before.</p><p>It was because he was worried about him, Eddie knew that much.</p><p>And because he loved him.</p><p>Eddie had always known Richie loved him purely for the fact that no sane person would put up with him – or better yet, voluntarily spend every possible moment together growing up – and despite the fact that Richie talked about tits and sex constantly, he had been the only one in the losers, besides Eddie himself, who never dated and even when they all met in the restaurant, he hadn’t been dating.</p><p>Besides, there was always an unspoken connection between them. Something that never could be explained or spoken about, especially in the time they grew up in, but Eddie knew well enough what he was doing when he climbed into that tiny hammock with Richie who had blundered and flushed, sticking his head in his comic to hide his scarlet cheeks, and he also knew that Richie would never make any kind of move because he was just as scared shitless as Eddie.</p><p>Had Eddie been in any rational state of mind, he would understand that the unspoken bond would have to stay that way FOREVER or he would risk losing Richie all over again whether they were beaten to death on some bridge for being fags or he could have totally missed the mark and Richie was straight all along. Doubtful, but possible.</p><p>However, delirium didn’t seem to have an off button, even for majorly repressed feelings.</p><p>“I love you.” Eddie admitted in a matter-of-fact tone as if he was simply stating what the weather was like but his eyes never left Richie’s as if he had to make sure the other man could see how serious he was.</p><p>Richie froze halfway through adjusting Eddie’s bed settings to lie him down so Eddie ended up lying back in an awkward, still sitting up but not really, position.</p><p>He watched as the man blinked a few times, his eyes still magnified by his glasses that had slipped down to the end of his nose. Eddie watched with bated breath as Richie cleared his throat and started adjusting his glasses like the way he always did whenever he was extremely nervous or uncomfortable.</p><p>“I- I uh, love you too, Eds. Best buds and all that, comes with the job description.” Richie told him in a clearly forced light-hearted tone. Eddie knew because he didn’t even do a voice.</p><p>“No. I really do love you.” Eddie said with a little more persistence in his voice but the more he tried to reassure Richie of his feelings – because it felt like the most normal thing in the world to confess to his lifelong gay crisis, apparently – the more heartbroken the other man looked.</p><p>Richie, for once, didn’t say anything and let the conversation hang in the air like a fart in church. He went back to pressing the buttons for Eddie’s bed to fully lie him down.</p><p>“Try and get some sleep, Eds, I’ll be here when you wake up.” Richie promised quietly and made himself comfortable on the bed next to the bed.</p><p>Eddie could do nothing but stare at Richie either watching TV or scrolling through his phone, only closing his eyes to fake sleeping whenever he seen Richie checking on him every few minutes. He knew Richie wasn’t buying his act because after a full hour of the same routine, he started lightly tracing his fingernails up and down Eddie’s bare arm which used to put him to sleep during sleepovers when he was too hyped up on sugar because Sonia never let him have any in their home so Eddie would go crazy with snacks and soda.</p><p>Apparently the little trick still worked because before Eddie knew it, his eyes stayed shut for longer and longer until, finally, he had drifted into a slumber without the help of a sleeping pill for the first time in a really long while.</p>
<hr/><p>There was good days and bad days.</p><p>Today happened to be a bad one.</p><p>The visit had started like any other, Richie, Bill and Stan were in his ward all discussing stupid shit they all did as kids when it was just them four. Eddie liked those conversations because he could remember what they did clearly and there was never any confusion on his part about what happened. He couldn’t remember what Doctor Jones had told him word for word but it was something about his long term memory not being affected. Either way, he liked feeling like they were just bros chilling out and not the way he usually did, like a crazy spectacle everybody came to stare at or make sure didn’t accidentally strangle himself to death with his own PJ’s.</p><p>Things took a turn for the worst when Eddie’s nurse came to check on him and mentioned something about spider straps.</p><p>He hadn’t really been listening to her talk since he was so invested in just listening to his friends talk but when the nurse had mentioned spider, he instantly got flashbacks.</p><p>He could see it all, he could remember almost dying.</p><p>The spider.</p><p>The Spider did it.</p><p>“Spider…. Spider….” Eddie whispered out so quietly he was sure it was only him that could hear it. He was so paralysed with fear that he couldn’t even scream in terror, although that’s what he wanted to do. His fear only heightened when the nurse left the room after she done her checks. He was sure the spider was going to come kill him right now and nobody was fucking doing anything about it!</p><p>“Spider. Spider!” Eddie exclaimed more clearly, making all eyes in the room dart to him in concern.</p><p>Eddie’s wide eyes darted everywhere apart from his friends, just trying to see where It was going to crawl out and snatch him up. It would definitely win this time since he was all but an invalid in this fucking bed.</p><p>“PENNYWISE!” Eddie screamed in clarification, sitting forward more firmly on the bed as if he was going to curl up into a ball right there under the sheets. By this point, it was clear everybody in the room knew Eddie was freaking the fuck out and none of them had any clue what to do, they all just shared pained and startled looks. “<strong><em>PENNYWISE!</em></strong>”</p><p>Bill wasted no more time before darting out the room to try and find the same nurse to see if there was anything that could be given to his friend to calm him down. Meanwhile Stan and Richie moved over to either side of Eddie to try and comfort him before Bill came back with help.</p><p>“It’s alright, Eddie.” Stan tried to tell him softly, speaking to him with the saddest smile he’d ever seen.</p><p>Stan’s sincerity and concern didn’t seem to register with Eddie in any way. He was too far gone at this point.</p><p>It was only when he tried to rip out the needles in his arms that were giving him his fluids and medicine that Richie stepped in. He couldn’t handle any words though so he had to lean over the bed and hold Eddie down with his own weight.</p><p>“<strong>NOOOO</strong>! FUCK OFF! PLEASE! SPIDER! FUCKING <em>SPIDER</em>!”</p><p>Richie clutched his arms around Eddie’s thrashing body, trying with all his strength to keep him pinned down so he’d stop hurting himself. Hearing the absolute fear in Eddie’s voice was enough to have Richie breaking down. His shoulders heaving to go along with the tears streaming down his face freely. Eddie kept screaming even with his friend in clear duress. It was something that he was sure he’d feel bad about when he looked back on the situation but, living in the moment, he just wanted to get the fuck off out of here.</p><p>“IT’S GONNA KILL ME! FUCKING HELP ME!”</p><p>“It’s okay, buddy, I’m here.” Richie assured over and over again as he held Eddie tightly. “It’s okay, Eds. You’re okay.”</p><p>Stan’s usually stoic expression had morphed into one of equal concern as Richie. All he could do was take Eddie’s tightly balled up hand and stroke his thumb along the knuckles comfortingly.</p><p>Eddie continued to scream until his throat was hoarse. He could feel the tears running down his own cheeks but he didn’t have time to process it, he just felt scared. It wasn’t that he had any hallucinations or visions of Pennywise, he just knew in his brain that he was going to come back and kill him. It was like the feeling of knowing it would rain when you seen a dark cloud in the sky. It was going to happen eventually.</p><p>Finally, <em>finally</em>, Bill came back with a team of staff who rushed in and practically shoved Richie to the back while they held Eddie still and sedated him with a needle to the neck vein.</p><p>Almost instantly, his body started to sag, and he could do nothing but stare hollowly at the people around him.</p><p>“Help…” He mumbled tiredly.</p><p>Vaguely, he could hear his friends explaining to the staff what had set him off but he couldn’t focus on it too much. His ears were ringing from his own screaming and his heart still felt like it was beating wildly in his chest but he was practically plastered to his bed. All he could do was move his eyes so he darted them around almost manically, just like the way he used to when he first woke up from his coma and couldn’t speak.</p><p>He startled when he felt blunt fingernails dragging up and down his arm. He moved his gaze to the side and seen Richie once again sitting by his side while Stan and Bill spoke to the nurses.</p><p>“Help me, Richie.” He pleaded softly.</p><p>“Eddie,”</p><p>That held his attention. Eddie knew Richie never called him his preferred nickname - always made up stupid ones that he secretly loved and cherished but outwardly acted pissed about because he couldn’t let himself look <em>gay</em> – unless some real shit was about to go down.</p><p>“As long as I’m here and still kicking, <em>nothing</em> and <em>nobody</em> is ever going to hurt you. I promise you.”</p><p>Eddie couldn’t argue with the sheer determination in Richie’s voice. He decided that if Richie was so certain that nothing bad would happen then Eddie would believe him.</p><p>His breathing finally evened out and he continued to just look at Richie while he played with his arm because when he looked at him, he knew there was nothing to be scared about.</p><p>“I love you.” He said again factually but Richie had pretended not to hear him and joined the conversation with the staff from his place by Eddie’s side.</p>
<hr/><p>“Can you tell me the story?” Eddie asked Mike during a rare visit with just the two of them.</p><p> Aside from Richie, he didn’t often have just one Loser keeping him company through the day or night, they had all stuck through this shit together which had managed to quell some of Eddie’s fears of being left alone or abandoned by them.</p><p>Mike smiled kindly at him and took a sip from his coffee before sitting up in his chair properly, giving Eddie his full attention. “What do you want to know?”</p><p>“Everything.” Eddie answered despite the fact he had been told before that he kept forgetting the story. However that was a few days ago and his memory was slowly going back to normal and anything he did forget lately was purely down to old age and not any delirium side effects. He felt like he was ready to retain the information and not have a panic or an anxiety attack in the process.</p><p>Mike, being the sweet and gentle giant that he was, made no protest to Eddie’s request.</p><p>“What’s the last thing you remember?” He asked just to clarify how far back he needed to go.</p><p>Eddie tried to think back. He thought he could remember everything clearly with the group all meeting again at the Jade Of The Orient and having a fun time catching up then everything went to shit. He felt a familiar pang of fear shoot through him remembering the events. He hoped they were just false memories his brain was making up in this state but he was too afraid of the possibility that it was all true.</p><p>“Just… Start from the beginning. After we moved away from Derry.”</p><p>“Well, I only know what happened with your life from what you told us at the Jade. We all tried to keep in contact with each other when you all moved away from here but it just got harder as the days passed and we just lost contact,” Mike explained with a shrug. “Happens to a lot friend groups. You told us that you had some hotshot limo company where you carted around celebrities in New York.”</p><p>Eddie furrowed his brows as he tried to make sense of what Mike was saying. It sounded really familiar but he was sure he was a risk analyst… Was that even a real job? Had his mind just made that up? Sure, he owned a limousine company! He used to love fixing up old shitty cars as a kid <em>and </em>he was the first Loser to get his drivers licence – despite his mother’s protests.</p><p>“And Myra?” Eddie asked uncertainly. Now that he understood his brain was constantly trying to trick him with false memories, he wasn’t fearful if someone corrected him so he just wanted to finally get his story straight. Or not straight, whatever life choices he had made up till now. “My wife?” He clarified once he seen the lost expression on Mike’s face.</p><p>“You don’t have a wife, Eddie.” Mike told him gently. “You told us you took your mom with you and cared for her when she was sick. You told us she passed last year and Bev was upset because you didn’t call any of us to help you through it.”</p><p>Eddie rested his head back on his pillow and stared up at the ceiling.</p><p>No wife, no friends, dead mom.</p><p>No wonder why he had chosen to create a scenario in his mind where all his friends conveniently forgot about him as soon as they left Derry because the truth just being, they grew up and had their own shitty lives to live, seemed to cut just that little deeper.</p><p>“And how did we meet again?” Eddie asked without moving from his position.</p><p>Mike paused at the question which made Eddie look at him again. He knew from the tension suddenly in the air that something bad had happened. Maybe Pennywise <em>was</em> real, maybe he was still alive, maybe he would track him down again and wouldn’t stop until-!</p><p>“A funeral.”</p><p>Eddie blinked in surprise, his thoughts halting to a stop.</p><p>“Who’s?” He squeaked out. Surely it wasn’t his mother’s if Mike said she died last year, but who else did they know who still lived in Buttfuck Derry?</p><p>“Two of Georgie’s friends. Don and Adrian.” Mike answered with a sorrowful look in his eyes.</p><p>“Woah woah woah!” Eddie shot forward in the bed so him and Mike were practically nose to nose. He held his friends shoulders in a tight grip and frantically searched his face to see if there was any trace of a joke or a lie. “Georgie’s friends? Georgie’s fucking dead!”</p><p>Mike moved his hands to take Eddie’s from his shoulders and held them in a firm grip to keep his shorter friend grounded.</p><p>“No he’s not, Eddie, it’s okay. He wasn’t with them when they got jumped at the bridge by a bunch of homophobic assholes but there was a couple of eyewitnesses that came forward and got the fuckers that did it put behind bars.”</p><p>Eddie wracked his brain for answers but he had none. Everything he thought was true was a lie but the more Mike explained to him, the more everything was making sense. The doctor had told him his long term memory wouldn’t be effected permanently so he could only hope that once the delirium had faded away, he would remember everything as it was and not as the crazy clown-killer story his brain had created out of thin air. He nodded in understanding and didn’t make any attempts to move away from Mike’s reassuring hold.</p><p>“I was still working at my grandpop’s farm when the story broke the papers and I called all of you one by one. Bill and Georgie came from England, Stan from Georgia, Bev from Chicago, Richie from LA and I think Ben said he was in his house in Nebraska when I called him? Dude’s super rich and has like 4 different properties all in different states for work.” Mike explained in the soft tone he used when they were kids and he used to tell them all about the history of Derry. He had always been fascinated by history… Or was that Ben? No no, Eddie corrected himself, it was definitely Mike. He had been obsessed with Derry’s past because of what happened to his parents and a lot of other innocent black families – the fire.</p><p>“We all came for the funeral and met at the Jade, had an awesome time catching up and went back to the Townhouse.” Mike explained, sounding as if he was telling Eddie all of this for the first time despite the fact that Eddie knew otherwise. He tried to focus on everything Mike was saying so he would remember all of this tomorrow.</p><p>“Then that prick Bowers jumped you in your bathroom and stabbed you in the fucking face but you were such a badass, Eddie, you really were. You took it out your own face and got him back,” Mike smiled so brightly that Eddie couldn’t help but return it. He sounded so <em>proud</em>. “But he got away and went on a fucking rampage, he even tried to kill a kid at the carnival! Dude he fucking went complete psycho – even more than usual.”</p><p>Eddie finally took his hands out of Mike’s comforting grip and started biting his nails nervously as he tried to replay the events in his head. It all did match up – maybe Pennywise was never real, maybe Georgie never went missing when they were kids, maybe Stan never killed himself in the bath.</p><p>Maybe life was fair, after all.</p><p>“How did I get…?” Eddie trailed over and gestured to his chest area that was currently stitched up and bandaged but would definitely leave a big ass scar after it healed. Richie always gave him a kicked puppy look whenever he caught Eddie trying to pick at the bandages or sulking at the sight of himself and he’d usually make a shitty joke to try and distract him from his surely grotesque injuries.</p><p>“He dragged that kid – Dean, was his name – down to the old Neibolt house along with Patrick Hocksetter – he’s always been a sick fucker, pretty sure hes the one who suffocated his own baby sister when we were kids, so we were pretty scared shitless that they were going to hurt the kid so we all went in after them and one thing led to another, and the house collapsed. You got sliced by a loose roof beam and Richie had to carry you out. We thought we’d lost you.”</p><p>Eddie nodded purely to show that he was still listening but he couldn’t think of a proper response. There was so many thoughts going through his head at the same time and he couldn’t focus on a specific one. He wondered how he dealt with this news the first couple of times the Losers tried to tell him – most likely freaked out and scared everyone in the room again. It seemed to be all he was good at lately.</p><p> “What happened to Bowers and Patrick.. And the kid?” He asked, deciding to just focus on finding out everything he could before he processed everything.</p><p>“Bill saved the kid.” Mike said with a touch of adoration to his tone. It wasn’t uncommon back in the day for all the Losers to look up to Bill as a father figure or a big brother or their leader but there definitely something more to the story with the reverence Mike seemed to still hold for him. Eddie decided not to point it out because he knew it could be his delirium that made him think that there was a little more than friendly affection there. “Richie found a rusty hatchet and fucking brained Bowers, then he made a shitty joke and threw up all over his corpse.” Had they been talking about anyone else apart from Henry fucking Bowers, Eddie would have felt a smidge bad for having your last moments on earth be so degrading, but Eddie felt it was only fitting for that fucker. “And Patrick never made it out after everything caved in.”</p><p>“Good.”</p><p>Eddie gave Mike a small smile which was instantly returned.</p><p>That story wasn’t so bad, he thought to himself. The fear he constantly felt was still present but it wasn’t all-consuming like it used to be.</p><p>“But why did you all stay?” Eddie couldn’t help but ask. Over the past few days, he had been retaining little bits of information about the group such as Bill still being a horror novelist but he was nowhere famous, and Bev was still married to an abusive asshole just like her dad and thankfully, it was still true that she left him too, Stan had a beautiful wife who he loved dearly called Patty waiting for him in Georgia, Ben was apparently rich as fuck and pursued his dream in architect, and now he knew Mike had been working here all these years on his grandfather’s farm despite wanting to travel the world.</p><p>The only one he remembered clearly was Richie.</p><p>Everything in Eddie’s head about him was accurate; he was a shitty comedian who didn’t write his own jokes, he currently wasn’t in a relationship or married, he hated his apartment in LA and his manager, Steve, was pretty much his best and only friend – he’d also seen a picture of him on Richie’s phone when the taller man showed him an embarrassing snapshot of him passed out drunk on a sidewalk somewhere and all Eddie had to say was that he looked fairly familiar. Almost like looking in a mirror.</p><p>Almost as if Eddie had summoned him, Richie appeared at the doorway in a new set of clothes and freshly showered.</p><p>“<em>Good evening, SpagEds, looking as puuuurty as ever</em>!” He greeted loudly in his ‘Southern Belle’ voice, forcing a laugh from Eddie’s lips.</p><p>He was glad Richie wasn’t treating him like glass anymore, it meant that he was clearly getting better since he wasn’t so acting so worried anymore.</p><p>The rest of the visit continued as usual. Full of comfort and laughter.</p>
<hr/><p>The day Eddie was released from hospital was the happiest one he can remember having in a really, really long time.</p><p>The entire Losers Club came to see him out and there was a little blip during the happy moment when Eddie got a little scared because he had to leave the hospital while he was still effected by the side effects of the coma – the delirium.</p><p>However Richie was quick to reassure him that he wouldn’t be leaving his side until he was fully better –</p><p>“What about your job? Aren’t you supposed to be on tour right now?”</p><p>“Materials shit anyway. Besides, my darling Sonia would roll in her grave if she knew I let her baby boy fend for himself. Maybe you’ll start calling me dadd-“</p><p>“Beep beep you fucking asshole <em>YOU KNOW I HAVE FATHER ISSUES YOU FUCKING</em>-!”</p><p>So it was safe to say that they were still the same old Richie and Eddie, just old as fuck, so Eddie didn’t protest to having him around more in his home in New York.</p><p>Which is why Eddie said his goodbyes to the rest of the Losers at the airport where they all exchanged numbers and started a Whatsapp groupchat so they wouldn’t lose contact again.</p><p>After that Eddie couldn’t remember much because he got hammered on the plane because his usual fear of heights was so fucking intensified that he could barely get on the plane without feeling like he was going to throw up – that mixed with his pain medication made it so he was a slurring, bumbling idiot.</p><p>Richie thought it was hilarious, and Eddie was sure, similar to Steve, his contact photo was now a compromising drunk photo of him.</p><p>Despite all of his teasing, Richie got him all the way home safely and into bed for a little nap to try and sober him up. Eddie was still dressed in his travel clothes – minus the shoes which had been kicked off half-haphazardly at the door – but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. He was just beyond ecstatic to finally be in his own bed, nosing along the clean pillowcase that he had the good sense to have changed before he left for Derry so it was fresh as a daisy.</p><p>“Cute, cute cute.” Richie muttered by the door once Eddie was settled and practically stretching on his bed like a cat, before clearing his throat and speaking a little louder – probably thinking Eddie couldn’t hear his first comment. “Get some sleep, Eds. I’ll change your chest condom after your shower tonight.”</p><p>With that, Richie was gone and Eddie could go to sleep without a fear in his head.</p><p>When he woke up again a few hours later, he could hear singing from the kitchen. At first, his heart froze in his chest because he lived alone so who the fuck was singin-</p><p>“<em>Earth angel, earth angel</em></p><p>
  <em>Will you be mine?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>My darling deeear, love you all the time…</em>
</p><p><em>I'm just a fool, a fool in love with you…</em>”</p><p>Familiarity washed over him like a warm breeze. He instantly recognised Richie nasal voice singing and the song was from their favourite movie growing up, Back To The Future.</p><p>They used to watch it all the time and Richie loved commenting on how fucked up it was that one day, Marty’s parents were going to recognise him as the guy that got them together in high school and think the mom just fucked him and had a bastard kid – which, of course, always had Eddie rolling around with laughter because Richie never stopped until he was hysterical, tears streaming down his cheeks and everything.</p><p>Despite Richie’s constant critiques, often times he would use the last of his allowance to rent out the VHS because it was Eddie’s favourite movie.</p><p>He particularly always liked the school dance scene which happened to have the song Richie was currently singing playing through it.</p><p>“<em>Earth angel, earth angel</em></p><p>
  <em>The one I adore,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Love you forever, and eeeever more,</em>
</p><p><em>I'm just a fool, a fool in love with you…</em>”</p><p>Eddie crept out from his bed as quietly as possible and sneaked over to his bedroom door to peak out of it and was met with the sight of Richie standing at his stove, stirring something while swaying to the song. On further inspection, he could see the music was coming from Richie’s phone that was sitting on the counter which meant he purposely picked out that to listen to.</p><p>Eddie wondered if he remembered its significance.</p><p>“<em>I fell for yooou and I knew,</em></p><p>
  <em>The vision of your love, loveliness…</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I hope and I pray, that someday,</em>
</p><p><em>I'll be the vision of your hap-happineeess…</em>”</p><p>Eddie smiled softly to himself and rested his head against the door frame, just watching Richie in such a vulnerable state. He could interrupt him or announce his presence but that would mean embarrassing Richie and while that shit used to fuel him when they were kids – on account of how many times Richie would purposely embarrass him, talking about his mom, talking about sex, constantly teasing Eddie for his height and hypochondria so it was only fair – but right now, he just wanted to enjoy seeing his best friend so incredibly open right now.</p><p>“<em>Oh earth angel, earth angel</em></p><p>
  <em>Please be mine</em>
</p><p>
  <em>My darling dear, love you all the time</em>
</p><p><em>I'm just a fool, a fool in love with you.</em>.”</p><p>Richie continued to hum the remainder of the song as he opened the cupboards to take out two plates and scraping whatever the fuck he was making onto both of them. Eddie tried to not feel such a warm glow at how familiar Richie already seemed in his home. He must have tried to familiarise himself with his surroundings whilst Eddie was sleeping.</p><p>Before Richie could turn around to set the plates on the dining table, Eddie quickly shut his bedroom door and approached the kitchen as if he had just woken up.</p><p>“Good morning, sleeping beauty!” Richie greeted cheerfully, moving over to his phone to cut off his music. “Or should I say, good night since it’s like nine.” He said with a chuckle, clearly just happy that Eddie was actually getting sleep.</p><p>“Did you fucking clean up in here?!” Eddie blurted out in astonishment as soon as he could take the entirety of his living space. He could see the whole of his kitchen and living room was spotless despite the fact he knew he had scattered clothes and extra pill bottles and other little knickknacks,  that he decided he didn’t need last minute, everywhere.</p><p>“You say that like I’m a non-functioning adult who hasn’t live on my own for twenty-seven years.” Richie said with no malice but it stung Eddie all the same.</p><p>“You were alone all that time?”</p><p>Richie shrugged and turned back to his task of setting the table for them both. Eddie knew that whenever Richie was nervous, he needed something to do with his hands. He got fidgety and usually he just messed around with his glasses until the feeling passed but if there was something to distract him from being serious for once with no jokes allowed, he practically jumped at the opportunity.</p><p>“Richie.” Eddie said sternly.</p><p>“It’s none of your business anyway, man!” Richie snapped defensively, immediately regretting his decision when he glanced over at Eddie to see his owlishly wide eyes staring at him in fear. He had forgotten Eddie’s brain was still a little fucked up right now and seeing his fear being directed at <em>him </em>really fucking hurt. He abandoned his task and shot over to Eddie like a dart and held him close.</p><p>“Ow.” Eddie muttered into his chest when Richie squeezed a little too hard, aggravating his wounds.</p><p>“Sorry, buddy.” Whether he was apologising for scaring Eddie or hurting him was up for question, likely both.</p><p>When they separated, Eddie didn’t bring it up again but the thought kept spinning around his head how LONELY must Richie have been. How lonely had HE been? Living in this house all alone, driving strangers around while making useless conversation because that would probably be the only time he spoke to another person that day. It was pretty pathetic.</p><p>Richie and Eddie ate together in peace despite the little hiccup. It was really nice just to have someone to eat with again, Eddie thought, and the fact that Richie actually made him dinner made him want to lean over the table and kiss him square on the lips.</p><p>But he couldn’t.</p><p>Every day that passed, Eddie became more rational and started to return fully to his own bitchy, loud, argumentative self which meant that he understood why he could never make the first move on Richie despite the fact he always knew in his heart of hearts that the feelings were mutual.</p><p>It wasn’t even gay panic anymore! For crying out loud, it was 2016 now, times have changed! Gay people didn’t get cornered and beaten up quite as often as they used to so who would bat an eyelid at two forty-year-old guys holding hands walking down the street?</p><p>No, that wasn’t what was stopping Eddie. What was stopping him was he didn’t want to become his mother. He didn’t want to become so co-dependent on someone, like his mother had been with his father, that he would completely fall apart if something ever happened to him. If he let himself live the fantasy and truly know what it was like to love and be loved by Richard Wentworth Tozier, he wouldn’t ever be able to go back.</p><p>The risk was too high.</p><p>So Eddie fell back into old habits.</p><p>Over the next few days, him and Richie did nothing but act like kids.</p><p>They teased each other constantly, ran into the bathroom to flush the toilet while the other was behind the shower curtain washing themselves so the water would go freezing – Richie was also particularly fond of breathing hotly into Eddie’s face in the mornings before he brushed his teeth to make him gag and practically pounce on him which usually led to a play fight – they stayed up late most nights either playing video games together – Richie had even bought another Xbox controller so they could play multiplayer on most games – or they would just talk till the sun came up. There was also a lot of tender moments like when Richie changed Eddie’s bandages or make him some breakfast in bed if his pain levels were particularly high the previous night or when Eddie would throw his legs over Richie’s lap while they were watching something so he was practically sitting on him just like when they were kids. Eddie always liked the latter because Richie would always hesitantly rest his hand on Eddie’s knee, covering the whole thing because Richie had some big ass hands, which never failed to start a flutter frenzy in Eddie’s stomach.</p><p>It wasn’t until two full weeks had passed that Eddie realised, he hadn’t been fearful or confused about anything in a good while.</p><p>His memories were back to being fully intact so he finally understood that the dancing demon space clown had just been a figment of his imagination and everything else had just been his brain’s way of compensating the horrific events. After all, it was much more whimsical to believe that kids were going missing because a clown was feeding on them rather than the truth which was that an insane bully with a power complex wanted to practice before he went after his real targets. He also understood the reason he thought Stan had killed himself was that he hadn’t originally showed up to the restaurant with everyone else because his flight had been delayed.</p><p>All in all, everything was pretty much going back to normal.</p><p>And for the first time in two weeks, Eddie felt scared.</p><p>Scared because normal meant being alone again.</p><p>He was too used to Richie’s presence again and he didn’t want to lose him.</p><p>This was exactly what he feared about getting too close with him, not being able to handle letting him go.</p><p>These thoughts were roaming through his head late one stormy night when he was trying to go to sleep and Eddie started to feel the familiar signs of an asthm- anxiety attack. His breathing shallowed out until he was wheezing and he shot up on his bed to frantically rifle through his bedside drawer for his backup inhaler.</p><p>“FUCK!” He exclaimed when he remembered that he had taken his only fucking inhaler to Derry and lost it in Neilbolt. He never got another one because it didn’t think he’d need it since he hadn’t had to use one since his mother’s funeral!</p><p>Just then, his bedroom door slammed open and Richie darted in still looking half-asleep. “Whu happnd?” He slurred out as he rubbed his eyes underneath the glasses, trying to wake himself up as quickly as possible.</p><p>“Breathe, cant breathe, cant cant cant-“ Eddie stammered out, waving his arms around as he did to try and illustrate his point.</p><p>Realisation flashed through Richie’s eyes and before Eddie could tell him anymore, he was out of the room again before he could even blink.</p><p>Fucking assho-</p><p>Before Eddie could even finish the scornful thought, Richie was back in his room and moving next to him on the bed. “Here, Eds.” He held out an inhaler that looked exactly like the kind Mr Keene used to prescribe him in Derry.</p><p>Eddie wasted no time processing that little fact and instantly brought it to his mouth and pumped the top a few times, shooting a few blasts of air and bullshit water ‘medicine’ into his lungs and evening out his breathing again. “Thanks, Rich.” He said gratefully once he could catch his breath again.</p><p>“No problem, Eduardo. Kinda surprised it took till now for the delirium to give you an attack like that.”</p><p>“It wasn’t the delirium.” Eddie stated firmly. “Actually it was because I don’t have delirium anymore.”</p><p>Richie blinked a few times.</p><p>Eddie stared him down, daring him to say something.</p><p>“O…kay?” Richie finally got out. “What, did you miss almost shitting your pants like a puppy every time I tried to make us watch a horror movie?”</p><p>“I didn’t shit my pants!” Eddie snapped, punching Richie in the shoulder for his comment but also because it was part of their game. Stolen touches through stereotypical masculine ways like hitting each other was always a personal favourite of his. “Horror movies fucking suck, they’re just glorified jump scare.”</p><p>“You liked Sinister 2.” Richie pointed out with a smirk, thinking that he’d proved his point of everyone loving at least one horror movie.</p><p>“No, I liked watching YOU drool over the Ex-Deputy in it.” Eddie corrected with a smirk of his own, feeling a sense of triumph when Richie’s cheek flushed so clearly even with only the streetlights outside to illuminate the room.</p><p>“Fuck you, dude.” He said with a scoff as if he was too above this childish argument but it only made Eddie’s smirk increase because he knew that Richie didn’t have any comeback.</p><p>They sat in silence for a few minutes while the storm raged outside. The pelting of the rain and hailstones hitting the window was actually relaxing background ambience. Richie practically melted against the pillows on the empty side of the double bed with one of his arms resting above his head and the other on his stomach. This was the only time he was actually on Eddie’s bed as the only other time he was even in the room was the first time he put Eddie down for a nap when they came home.</p><p>Eddie fiddled around with the inhaler still in his hand until he found a little ‘E’ drawn on the bottom in sharpie. It was his writing. This is what he used to do with all of his inhalers – as if anyone else would mistake the wheezy kid’s inhaler for their own – which meant this really was an inhaler from when they were kids.</p><p>“Hey, Rich?” He asked quietly, still staring down at that E.</p><p>“Mhmm?”</p><p>“Where did you get this inhaler?”</p><p>“Oh..” Richie’s relaxed position instantly changed to an alerted one. He sat up with his back practically a straight angle and started to fiddle around with his glasses, constantly adjusting them. “Just had it lying around, you know?” He tried to shrug it off like it was no big deal.</p><p>“Richie.” Eddie pleaded, taking the compassionate route instead of the scolding one, using his free hand to take one of Richie’s in his and squeeze reassuringly.</p><p>Richie looked like he was having an entire conversation with himself in his own mind, going through the pros and cons of what he was about to say. Clearly the reason was more profound than Eddie even realised.</p><p>“Look when we were eleven and Bowers stole your fucking inhaler during one of your coughing fits, I thought you were going to die, okay?” Richie finally gritted out. He couldn’t look at Eddie in the eyes so he decided to take his glasses from his face and methodically fiddle around with the legs in his hands to give him something to do. He didn’t want to see the rejection on Eddie’s face before he voiced his disgust. “It scared the shit out of me so I stole one of your backup ones and carried it in my pocket in case something like that ever happened again. Your worst fear might be germs or dirt or some killer clown thing but mine’s always been losing you. That’s why I never settled down or hired a manager that looks pretty much exactly like you.” When Richie finished, he looked like a downtrodden child about to be scolded by their parents and they were just waiting for a punishment because they knew they had deserved it. Despite this, he never let go of Eddie’s hand, gripping onto it for dear life as if Eddie would be gone if he let it go.</p><p>Eddie did the only rational thing that came to mind.</p><p>He placed the inhaler on the bed and moved his other hand to Richie’s cheek, turning his face towards his and placing a gentle kiss on his lips.</p><p>The kiss wasn’t earth-shattering or life-changing like he’d read about in books but it was really, really nice. He was finally doing something that he’d waited thirty years for and never thought he would be brave enough to go through with – and it was fucking awesome.</p><p>Richie had stayed frozen in shock for all of three whole seconds before, just like with their play wrestling, he practically pounced him.</p><p>They both tried to put every repressed emotion, every longing feeling, every denied affection into that one kiss and it was just so <em>good</em>.</p><p>Eddie could feel the tears prickling the corners of his eyes because he’d never been loved in this way before because he had repressed every single natural urge his body had his entire life because his body and brain wanted boys – Richie, specifically.</p><p>Now he made the leap of faith and all he could do was curse himself for not doing this before. All those wasted years.</p><p>It wasn’t long before they were both under the covers with the storm outside the window accompanying their lovemaking.</p><p>Once they were both tangled together in sweaty, breathless heaps, Eddie was the first one to break the post-coitus silence.</p><p>“I meant it when I told you in the hospital, Richie, I love you, I’ve always loved you.” He said just as matter-of-factly as he did back in Derry.</p><p>“I just thought you were saying all that shit because you were nuts- turns out you just wanted to lick MY nuts.”</p><p>Eddie let out a frustrated groan and smacked Richie’s bare chest, rolling on his stomach so he could face the taller man and rant to his face.</p><p>“You fucking dipshit that is so not funny you just ruined a fucking moment between us and we’ve only waited for this for three fucking decades, forty fucking years old and your still the biggest Trashmouth I ever met- and speaking of, if you ever give me a fucking thirty-year-old inhaler again I’ll fucking strangle you in your sleep do you have any idea how old that shit is? Medicine<em> EXPIRES</em>, Richie, god fucking-“</p><p>“I’ve never loved anything as much as I’ve loved you, Eds.” Richie said with the softest, most lovestruck look Eddie had ever seen.</p><p>Eddie stared mutely and pursed his lips. He supposed that was definitely one way to stop him from rambling. He let out a huff and placed another kiss on Richie’s lips before settling back down, resting his head on his chest and his arm over his waist. He couldn’t help but smile when he felt Richie stroking his nails up and down his arm to put him to sleep but he also couldn’t let him get the last word in any spat they had. It just wasn’t in his nature.</p><p>“I’ve told you before, do not fucking call me that, asshole.”</p><p>Richie’s laugh was the last thing he remembered before he shut his eyes and fell into darkness.  </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Honestly a comment would completely make my day after having this draft stare me down for over a week. Well done moi for finally finishing it XD</p></blockquote></div></div>
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